Nope of the Week: Some Monstrosity Called a Brahma Chicken

Nope. Absolutely positively indubitably not. No sir, no. Really no, because for so many obvious reasons no. This behemoth pictured above went viral on the internet this week for those of you that didn’t know, and it has been troubling my mind ever since and I’ll tell you why.

It’s common knowledge that the chicken is apparently the closest living descendant to the Tyrannosaurus Rex (the DINOSAUR). The T-Rex was the top of the dinosaur food chain, which is insane in itself. It was a ruthless badass killer, and it ruled the entire world with the exception of maybe Skull Island, and that is only because Kong had thumbs (that jaw never stood a chance). So yeah, you’ve either seen it in all the movies or even stood next to the skeleton in the Museum of Natural History and you know what it was capable of.

That being said this thing obviously had some serious skeletons in its closet. You aren’t that giant and lethal without spending your entire life murdering others and ruining lives. Because of this, whatever god you pray to, or the universe, or evolution, decided to answer and devolve this thing so far to a point where all it does is exist to get eaten. It makes perfect sense that the biggest monster in the earth’s history now is a knee high dinner for four that, to add insult to injury, is a tiny fluffy cute little yellow thing when its born. Poor chickens have been paying the price for the T-Rex’s sins since the dawn of mankind.

Now, the next twisted messed up nope in this story. Knowing full well that chickens are related to the most vicious killer in history, these sick people in the food industry go ahead and decide to breed super-species of chicken to produce more and more meat. Its one thing to play God and modify food to maximize profit, but you’re tryna tell me you really want to RE-evolve the thing that DE-evolved from the same thing that put Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum, and company through such hell for three whole movies? Nope.

And you might say I’m exaggerating with the re-evolving concept but to me that leads me to the worst, nopiest part of the video and all of this. When Poultra the Jimmy-Neutron-chicken-god steps out of the coop fifteen sizes too small for him it is so reminiscent of the T-Rex that it is bone chilling. Down to the way its body moved, the way its Shaq-sized hands grip the steps, how its legs stomp around like the undisputed Alpha, it looks exactly like what we’ve been seeing in the movies for years. I half expected it to lean back and issue a bloodcurdling screech. I don’t see this thing and think dinner. In fact, I don’t see this thing and think I want to ever eat again. And I love chicken, a lot. But I would consider eating smaller portions, or maybe even going entirely Vegan, if it meant I had this juiced up super-chicken and all his dinosaur cousins they’re cooking up eradicated from Twitter and my memory for good.