Lionel Messi: Big Coke Guy

Police in Peru seized a cache of Cocaine, and by cache I am talking Grand Theft Auto kind of cache, a Pablo Escobar kind of cache, the "those wasn't no damn mashed potatoes aight" cache. In total, law enforcement recovered a total of 1,417 Kilos of Cocaine.

Littered over the bricks were pictures of Lionel Messi with his brand logo. Immediately, people were there to dismiss Messi and this event, as there is no reason for him to be in this business. But let's just think about this for a minute. In the era of staying woke, I think its time to address cocaine in soccer.

What's the worst part about watching soccer? Everything. Everything is the worst part. As much as he denies it, I think Messi can agree that there is nothing really fun as a spectator for the sport on a regular Thursday with no playoff implications. What's one way to get them involved? Feed the fans copious amounts of cocaine so they aren't even paying attention. They'll love it so much they'll be forced to come back. It can't be worse for you then any of the food they give to you at games. Just sprinkle some crack on them, and let the fans become more passionate - shout to Ian Kinsler for being a slight racist whether he was trying to be or not.

Also it will be like a honey trap for drug lords and criminals across the country of Peru, South America even. Marketing a game where there is free cocaine, literally can't get any easier. It's like criminals RSVPing for jail. Only the good citizens get to use the cocaine. This is how you keep a country on a leash and fix it's drug problem.

Do I really think that Messi had something to do with the cocaine, no (yes). But I think I just saved South America with ways to increase fan support while introducing drug use to kids in a safe manner. Who knew that cocaine would save sports?