Uncle SportsCenter: Winner of the First Ever Lifetime Nope Award

Springtime is here, and that means it is almost time for family barbecues. And those are great. Great food, catch up with your cousins, gossip about that one aunt that moved out west cause she's too good for everyone, and kick back in the sun. But there is a downside to every family barbecue, and that is your lame uncle.

And everybody's got one. The uncle that is 45 but still has a gold hoop earring (or any other equally lame 90's fad) for some reason, and some sleazy looking shades to boot. And though his looks are lame, it's not as lame as what he does. Lame Uncle's sole job is to show how relatable he is to everyone at the barbecue under 25. Instead of talking about politics and world issues by the grill with Pops and Pop Pop, he's out front in the driveway trying to beat you and your cousins in one on one, with Lavar Ball-esque claims like "no youngblood woulda beat me back in my day". Couple that with him asking you if you heard the song "Watch Me" and trying to add you on Snapchat, and by the end of the day you are so tired of Uncle Lame that you avoid him at all costs.

But what if I told you we all have another lame uncle in common? That he's constantly trying to remind us all that he's hip and in tune with us? And worst of all, what if I told you that he's with us every single day? Well it's true. And he goes by the name of SportsCenter.

There used to be a time when Uncle SportsCenter stuck to what he knew. A magical time when all he talked about was sports, when he posted captions with only alphanumeric characters, and best of all let the players that he talked about be the personality. But somewhere along the line, our dear uncle changed. Uncle SportsCenter and Auntie Espn hit their late 30's in age, and started to handle it just like any one else pushing 40: with a severe mid-life crisis.

What has happened since has been horrific, never-ending, day ruining, cringe-worthy acts on every form of social media. Overuse/Inappropriate use of emoji's, quoting the most irksome viral songs of today, or just referring to followers as fam (clenched my fist recalling that one just now) and a ton more. Because Uncle SportsCenter just can't accept being a medium for sports news no, he wants to make all millennials and members of Black Twitter want to hangout with him. Wants to let you know that he's got the latest scoop on all the new slang, and every new meme and trend there is. Here's a short collection of his and Auntie Espn's most detestable midlife crisis moments, along with a glimpse into my ongoing Twitter war with both of them:

It's just simply a monkey on a golf course, and there are not even girls in sight. This one had me fuming more than the NLCS in 2006 (JUST SWING CARLOS, JESUS!).

Wild for this...wild for this?!?!? NO. NO NO NO. Also, Porzingis is half Latvian, half beanstalk, and half toothpick, so go ahead and swing Marquese.

I like hip hop! SportsCenter likes hip hop! I must like SportsCenter!

.....

This Kevin Hart gif was my exact reaction to seeing this tweet the day after the National Championship. I go on twitter excited to see player reactions, and everyone talking about it, and what I get is the cheesiest use of a Big Sean lyric ever (and I was in college when he dropped both "Dance" and "I Don't F**k With You").

All Uncle SportsCenter analogies aside, instances like these get me angrier than I can put into words, (yes, even angrier than Becky common princess Twitter). I just don't get it. Why do they insist on letting this happen. It's almost as if Craig and Eric from Drake and Josh run these accounts. Or the sports anchor version of Charles Barkley. Or Regina George's mom from Mean Girls. Or your average middle school principal. Or Carson Daly. Or anyone else who sucks as a person. You get my point because you know it's bad.

@ESPN, WHY! I cannot fathom it. Like, because you guys are SportsCenter/ESPN. This country revolves around what you talk about. So just talk about it! Talk about it and you've automatically got loyal fans. I can assure you that all your followers in history have come from you talking about sports, or athletes talking to you, and zero have come from "Yooo did you see SportsCenter did the mannequin challenge?! They're just like us, that's lit!" In fact, I'm 100 percent less likely to like a post of theirs with one of these antics, and 100 percent more likely to grit my teeth, hate-tweet them about it, and plead with them to stop.

And no I don't mean they have to be robots spitting facts out. You wanna have some personality and crack a joke? Sure. You wanna use an emoji here and there? Be my guest. But the corny, nonsensical (vocab snaps) vomit-inducing atrocities (some of the ones above) in line with the jokes that all of our lame uncles make regularly must end. You are not hip, sports and their athletes are. You are not Bleacher Report, Bleacher Report is. You are absolutely not WorldStar, WorldStar is. And you are most definitely not my fam, fam.

**Editor's Note: This entire post does not apply to Jemele Hill and Michael Smith. For a reason I can't put my finger on (maybe you can idk), some of their hip stuff is funny. Maybe because they know it's corny to talk about that stuff on their shows and try to be lame. Or maybe because, like Stuart Scott was (RIP), they're just cooler than most on that level. S/O them. The rest can kick rocks and stop doin' too much, forever.**